When it all changes 

Sitting there thinking about everything. I stared at the computer screen again, blankly like I usually did. I honestly felt like I was in a great big fog of nothing. There’s those times when you just stop and wonder how your life got to the point that it’s at. Today was one of those days.  

I had been in the Army for almost 3 years and had little to show for it. I was broken. Physically and mentally I was broken. When I say broken I mean that I was actually broken. I was still recovering from foot surgery to repair some tendons and I had a herniated disc in my back. All of this leading to some pretty significant mental health issues such as anxiety and panic disorder, as well as insomnia. So let’s just say at this point “broken” is a very relative term. My broken could very well be someone else’s fixed.    

To put it all in perspective before joining the Army I had been very active . . . Yoga four times a week, cycling 3 times a week and running every day. And, when I say running I don’t mean jogging. I mean I was a runner, a ultra runner to be more exact. I ran races from 5k to ultra marathons (50 miles at a time). My best marathon time was 3:35. I was happy then. I was running and I was at peace. Then I got broken.

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This was something I found lurking in a dark corner of my computer this morning. Hmmmm….
I mean I guess broken is a relative term. I still deal with chronic pain everyday and some days are worse than others. Some days I want to grab a knife and end it all, to be free of the constant nagging from my body. Other days I feel my patience is gone and I want to lash out at everyone because I’ve used all my energy trying to keep my inner demons at bay and control my pain level at the same time. Other days are good days. This day I started writing was not a good day.  

I remember I stopped writing and just started crying and sobbing uncontrollably. I know know that the Army may have broken my body but they were just the last straw that broke me mentally. I had been though enough and everything all coupled together brought me down.  

You don’t realize when everything changes until it does all at once. Still today I can not do everything that I once did. But I have had to accept that I can do some things and work within my limits, push myself when I can and back off when I need to.

 I’m still broken. I wouldn’t go back to talking all those pills and medications to live in a fog for anything. Yes, I have my moments when I seriously consider ending it all but I’d rather live feeling something than live in a pea soup fog.  

Yes I’m still broken but aren’t we all broken in some way? Being broken is who we are.  
 

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